


Elevator: Out of Order

by mellowficent



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 03:52:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17015169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mellowficent/pseuds/mellowficent
Summary: "Holy shit! There's no way I'm going down using that creepy staircase!" Kris cursed as he grabbed the 'Out of Order' sign from the metal door and got into it with Chanyeol without wasting anymore time."It'd take only seven minutes if we use the stairs. I'd rather be dead falling off the stair than die in the elevator. You know how a person look like if he goes down with this broken square box? He'd look like a motherfucker shit on the wall! Most of all, I don't wanna die young with you!" Chanyeol muttered as he glared at the doctor next to him.





	Elevator: Out of Order

**Author's Note:**

> Just another Monday morning at the apartment.

 

"Windows?"

 

"Check!"

 

"Gas?"

 

"Done!"

 

"Keys?"

 

"In my pocket!"

 

"But h-how? Pants on, Kris. Pants on!"

 

"Oh my god! Where's my pants?!"

 

"On the bed, you damn it! Please make it quick! We're running late! Hurry!" Chanyeol hissed as he picked up his baby blue guitar case and ran towards the entrance with keys and boots. Done with the slack pants, Kris put the newspapers under his arm and messenger bag in his other hand as Chanyeol yelling at him for moving too slow.

 

"What the fuck? Again?!" Chanyeol stomped his feet in front of the elevator and sighed heavily. The sight of his wristwatch scared him, they're going to be late again because of the broken transport. 

 

"Holy shit! There's no way I'm going down using that creepy staircase!" Kris cursed as he grabbed the sign, 'Out of Order' from the metal door and jumped into it with Chanyeol without wasting anymore time. 

 

"It'd take only seven minutes if we use the stairs. I'd rather be dead falling off the stairs than die in the elevator. You know how a person look like if he goes down with this broken square box? He'd look like motherfucker shit on the wall! Most of all, I don't wanna die young with you!" Chanyeol muttered as he glared at the doctor next to him.

 

"At least you are not alone when you die then. You got me." Kris smirked before leaning close to peck Chanyeol's pouty mouth.

 

Ding!

 

"Ahem! Mr. Wu and Mr. Wu, what a sight to behold! You two seriously need a room. Stop making out in this damn elevator! There are innocent eyes watching you two, mom said." Kris pulled away from his spouse and rolled his eyes at the sight of two annoying sibling, Kim Jongdae and Kim Jongin which covering their eyes while peeking through their fingers. Kris bit his lip hard as he recalled back every romance he had with Chanyeol in the lift always be interrupted by these two little monsters. 

 

He remembered when Jongdae and Jongin walked into the elevator just as he pulled away from french kissing Chanyeol. Well, the boys managed to take photos of it and threatened to report them to the landlord for PDA. 

 

"Probably Mr. Wu forgot about the photo-" Kris put his hand over Jongin's mouth and gave an awkward smile to his spouse. Thank god that Chanyeol owned an ancient processor inside his head in means he will never be able to process what Jongin was going to say. 

 

"Mom said-" This time, he moved to cover Jongdae's mouth with his leather messenger bag and again, an awkward smile for Chanyeol. Chanyeol tilted his head and pouted when he couldn't get the full testimony about the evidence that Jong brothers kept for future threat in exchange of chocolate ice cream.

 

"I-It's no-nothing, Chanyeol-ah. You know these boys. They wouldn't stop talking until their long lost brother get into the elevator!" Just in time for Oh Sehun, the fellow monster to enter when Kris had both of his hands over his friends' mouths.

 

"Fucking move your hand, old man. Who knows what that hand does to Uncle Chanyeol's dick before the elevator went down." Kris let out a heavy sigh as he removed his hands and went back to Chanyeol who was frowning at the Brat of the Year for his Award Winning Mouth of Profanity. Jongdae gasped as he faked a gag and Jongin's shock still refused to leave his body.

 

"Really, Oh Mija? Huh..." Sehun chuckled and yawned lightly when the sleepiness came to hit him right in the head. Kris and Chanyeol waited patiently as Sehun opened his mouth for another round of cursing battle after looking at Jongin's crotch.

 

"Holy shit, Jongin! Why in hell you didn't know your flyer is down?! It's fucking wide open for Mr. Wu's sake! Did you do anything sexual to my boyfriend's hung dick here?!" Sehun's eyes never left Jongin's unzipped pants while he cursed the hell out of him. Kris could only reached for Jongdae to close his ears from listening to all the curses Sehun had puked. 

 

"Jongin, mom said-" 

 

"Mom said don't get close to Mr. Wu! He can open my flyer with his eyes! Sehun-ah, stop that old man!" Jongin hid behind his boyfriend and pulled Jongdae with him. Chanyeol too. He stood close to Sehun's side while staring at his own alleged pervert spouse.

 

"Chanyeol! You want me to kick your giraffe toys out of the bed tonight?!" Kris spat with his hand gripped on Chanyeol's wrist.

 

Ding!

 

"The angel has come to take the bitch fit away~" A pale man appeared before the open door in a sing-song way, his way of saying hello to his neighbours. There was another well-groom fellow by his side, walking proudly in D&G's suits and black skinny tie.

 

"Haish...I can smell bad thing in here. Is it you again, Kris? Stop ruining these kids' mind, will you?" Kim Junmyeon, an anger management counsellor held the door for his associate, Zhang Yixing as they entered the elevator together.

 

"Mr. Wu, the negative energy you released in here might affect these students. Please control your hatred towards them. I think this is the reason why you two weren't bless with children." Yixing said, almost whispering but clear enough to be heard by everyone. Junmyeon let out a chuckle as he looked at Kris's surprised face and Chanyeol's blushing cheeks. Well, the story spread around like a wildfire and Kris knew who's to blame other than Chanyeol's potty mouth. It must be Luhan and Byun Baekhyun, the news prophet of the apartment. 

 

"You're saying that as if Chanyeol can concieve..." Kris scoffed and nudged at his spouse who gave an angry look at him for bringing such sensitive thing up. He gulped his saliva, he forgot how he crawled down the stairs to Yixing and Junmyeon's shared apartment to ask for some food because Chanyeol didn't want to cook for him. That thing happened right after he pretended to sleep when Chanyeol talked about adopting a kid.

 

"So, Uncle Chanyeol bottomed for you, huh?" Sehun who stood next to Chanyeol, ogling the older male up and down with a finger on his lower lip. Same to Kris who had a fist under his chin. He smirked before he gave a high five to Sehun.

 

"He's a keeper, kid. Sexy beast in bed~ You should learn from hi- Ughhh..." A punch landed on his stomach before he even realized the door was opened for another rascal to enter.

 

"Here comes trouble~" Kris whistled when Baekhyun and his fur coat, huge dark shades and designer's bag in his hand spreading goosebump once he stepped into the elevator. Everyone cringed their noses as Baekhyun's strong perfume filling the box entirely.

 

"Damn...How much did you spray on your body this morning? Three bottles? Ughhh..." Jongin nudged the older man at the shoulder and received a grimace from his manner.

 

"My my...Everyone's here except My Tao Tao, Umin-hyung and where's the manly girl, Luhan?" Baekhyun glanced at everyone while brushing the invisible dust over the arm of his coat. Sehun sighed.

 

"You're early and incredibly mute today...or is it just me? Because whenever you burst into this elevator, your mouth will start chattering away like a broken tape!" Chanyeol tilted his head, squinted his eyes at the supposedly late tenant. It was surprising to see that Baekhyun came earlier than usual, even earlier than the others. Well, that diva would take hours every morning to prepare breakfast and apply makeup before he can go to his workplace, the Naughty Kitty Host Club which only open for lonely man.

 

"Hey, don't be so oblivious. This is one of those days when you come earlier than Apocalypse. Those three are all a story below you, of course they're not here yet. What's up, Becky? You lost your eyeliner? You're mysteriously makeup free today." Joonmyun smirked, judging the pretty face next to his partner. Yixing also closing the gap between him and Baekhyun to see his puffy face but the male pulled up his scarf to cover half of his face.

 

“No one get to call me Becky, you deep shit. Only my Tao Tao-“

 

"Ah! I see. That's why his voice stuck in his throat. You look like a drop dead diva this morning, look at his finger! Becky broke his nail!" Baekhyun glared at Kris as he hid his hand behind his back. He felt like crying when he recalled back the way he slipped inside the bathroom because Tao's pet dog, Candy suddenly ran circling his legs like a rabid dog. He fell while trying to save his face from hitting the porcelain tub by scratching the cracked tiles on the wall. The ugly accident got him wailing all night like a girl with PMS.

 

"No! Shut the fuck up, Kris or I'll rip your mouth! There's no broken nail or whatsoever happen to me last night!"

 

"Ooo...Really?" Everyone gave a judging look on their faces to Baekhyun who stood right in the middle. Baekhyun gritted his teeth hard. He admitted that he screamed so bad that it can be heard up to ten floors above his. He stomped once, making the elevator shook slightly while it moving down.

 

"That must be hurt. I guess his boss, Heenim will cut his pay for that ugly nail. Poor him. He's nothing without his pretty face then and yet, he's working as a host." Junmyun told Kris and shook his head in sympathy. He knew how Kim Heechul or Heenim is like. He's a natural born disaster, a whole lot of disaster and king of bitches. He was shocked to see Baekhyun still alive after working for three years with that insane drag queen.

 

"Ughhh...Fuck it! My nail hurts like hell a-and I can't even put on my makeup today. My hands shaking like some seizure bitches because of this heavenly pain in the ass on my fingertip! I feel like I'm gonna die whenever you point this shit out! My Tao Tao said everyone would freak out if they saw my ugly nail and every creatures in the world will talk and laugh about it!" Luckily, Sehun and Jong brothers were quick with their hands and grabbed Baekhyun before he was able to beat the shit out of Joonmyun's mouth. Kris just smiled as he was expecting someone to enter the elevator in any seconds when it stopped at level 12. Baekhyun's fortuneteller, the bitchy witch Luhan.

 

"So, it happened last night? I've told you, Becky. Stay away from Candy because she brings dark element into your life!" Once the door opened, Luhan jumped into the box and started telling everyone's prophecy. The elevator stuck on that floor for a minute before it starts moving down again. Everyone sighed in relief and as usual, Luhan would start talking nonsense just like every other day.

 

"Dark element? Is it Tao? Because he's quite dark, just like my baywatch boy here." Sehun giggled and then, a sharp elbow landed right over his sternum. Luhan grinned as he just took down the boy in less than five seconds. Luckily, his boyfriend taught him to elbow anyone who talks bad about his baby brother.

 

"Broken nail is a bitch! That's why I can hear you screaming all night! I'm sorry that I thought Tao probably broke your spine while having sex with you! Well, you know he has a vice like grip just like his brother. Did it hurt enough to kill you, my dear? Don't worry, Becky. Tao will always love you. His love is as huge as Chanyeol's ear or...or...My Xiu Xiu's belly!" Luhan pulled Baekhyun into a tight bear hug and then the diva started to sob miserably. Sehun, Jongin and Jongdae pulled away from the so-called shaman of the neighbourhood and whispered about the man though they knew he was listening. They believed he brought bad omen to anyone he touches or talks to. That explained Baekhyun's broken nail and his bitch fit last night.

 

"I can tell whatever you're thinking without asking. I don't bring anything bad for anyone but I'll bring the hell out of you if you don't shut up, kiddo! You want me to have a bitch fit right now? You want it so bad, huh?!" Luhan almost lost his control but Yixing quickly came up to clean the mess by complimenting Luhan's twinkling eyes and how his eyes lit up the world like sunrise.

 

"Ohhhh...Thanks, Yixing. I bought this contact lens from the internet! You like it? My Xiu Xiu likes it too! He told me my eyes look like fisheye that he always wanted to poke or eat whenever he sees it!" Joonmyun shook his head with a sigh. How Luhan sees his boyfriend was totally different with how them all see that man. Joonmyun and Yixing has yet to find a cure to fix Luhan's blindness towards the love of his life.

 

"Oh, man...Stop talking about Umin-hyung! I'm getting cold feet here, dude. I can feel him coming right through that door!" Sehun pressed the button a few times to make it stop. Unfortunately, it did stopped but it fucking stopped at the level six. Everyone except Baekhyun who were crying out loud stayed in silence. The elevator suddenly turned cold and uncomfortable as the metal door splitted open. 

 

"Damn..." Kris and Sehun muttered once they saw Huang Zitao and Huang Xiumin came into the lift. Sehun took a step back as both of the martial art expert filled the space. Tao smiled sheepishly as he pulled his brother to stand in the middle. Jongin's and Chanyeol's face turned pale at the sight of shorter male in front of them.

 

"What's with that look, kids? Are you two mocking me? Guess what happen to the boy next door when he looked at me like that? He ended up standing with his head in the shithole!" Xiumin yelled with a mouthful of bun, spitting it all over the teenagers' faces. 

 

"I'm sorry, Umin-hyung, for having your bun all over my face. Mom said I should ask forgiveness from you as soon as I can." Jongdae bowed a few times before Jongin joined him doing the same 90-degree bow.

 

"At least before he beats our butts, mom said." Jongin nervously said to his twin brother but Xiumin only kept eating and eating without minding them.

 

"Err...Ge, language. I-it's toilet, ge. Not shit-" Tao's hand was trembling hard when he tried to reach for his brother. Xiumin always shaking hard whenever he tries to hold his anger and that's what just happened. 

 

"Shut up, Tao! I'm too angry and hungry to even think of the right word!" He took another steamed bun from the brown paper bag under his arm and munched it like a starving hamster. Luhan held his hand and took the bun off his hand.

 

"See, Kris? Now you know the reason why me and Joonmyun put him on top of our list. He's angry and hungry all the time, even when he sleeps." Yixing whispered to the man next to him. Kris chuckled and then, he gulped down his saliva when Xiumin glared at him.

 

"Food or die, Kris. Which one would you choose?" _What the fuck?! He can smell the chocolate I kept in the briefcase for my break!_

 

"Shut it, Umin-ge. Here it is. My. Last. Sacrifice." Kris angrily dug into his case and put the chocolate bar into Xiumin's open palm. The older man smirked and moved his eyes to Chanyeol.

 

"W-what??" Chanyeol stuttered and quickly slipped his hand into his pocket to find a candy or two and gave it to Xiumin. _Like seriously?!_ The male in the middle of the elevator acting like a neighbourhood bully when it comes to filling his insatiable purge.

 

"I thought you were Kris's last sacrifice. So he must have loved the chocolate bar more than you are. I'd love to have you instead to be my-" 

 

"W-wait! Of course Yeollie is my last sacrifice but you can't eat him!" Kris spat and pulled Chanyeol away from Xiumin.

 

"...cook. I heard he's a great cook. Kris, next time wait for me to finish my word first before I punch your god-like face til it's concave." He took another bun and squeezed it in his palm like he's going to squeeze Kris's tiny brain. Tao looked around and everyone gulped at the smashed bun in Xiumin's hand. Never let Xiumin gone amok or he'll smash every steamed bun he got.

 

"Ge, don't be so mean. Kris is just a jackass without an ass." Tao hugged his brother's shoulder and let the man to hover the chocolate bar like an offering.

 

"What did I do? C-Chanyeol was born with spatula and apron. Y-You can keep him forever if you want to." Kris awkwardly laughed as he received a sharp glare from his lovely spouse. Luhan elbowed Kris and went to his lover. He grabbed Xiumin and pulled the bun out of his hand.

 

"Baby, you don't need more chef. Kyungsoo's enough. Just eat slowly, my dear. You will choke if you eat too fast." Xiumin took a deep breath and munched slowly. If everyone thought Xiumin's scary enough, they were wrong. Luhan knew Kyungsoo's name was badass enough to scare his lover. Who knows Xiumin would be so afraid to someone so tiny. As tiny as plankton. Starvation is the real nightmare for Xiumin. Without Kyungsoo, Xiumin will be starving to death because he couldn't cook to even save his own life.

 

_Ding._

 

"I heard someone's calling. Umin-hyung?" Kyungsoo appeared before all of them with a huge brown paper bag filled with steamy hot bun in his hand. Xiumin couldn't hold back his tears at the warming sight. He grabbed one of the hot bun and stuffed it into his mouth. Luhan coaxed him to eat slowly so everyone's practically relieved to have Kyungsoo to come just in time for Xiumin's meal.

 

"Oh my god. He's starving. I knew it! I can feel it in my stomach! Eat a lot, hyung~" Kyungsoo squeezed Xiumin's cheeks hard and made a grunting sound. Then, Xiumin kept on eating and eating until the elevator suddenly stopped on its way down. The light went on and off before it blown off and kept all the tenants in a complete darkness.

 

"DAMN IT!!! It's too dark in here! Switch the light back on please!"

"Kris-ah, where are you? I'm scared..."

"Hey! Watch it, Lu-ge! Go to your boyfriend! And stop eating, Umin-ge. This elevator stuck because of your heavy ass! Where's my spouse?! Chanyeol!"

"I'm down here, Kris-hyung. Sehun jumped on me and he's practically on my lap now!"

"I did not! I'm with Kai here! I know his ass alright! I'm blowing him off right now!" 

"Errr...S-Sehun-ah, put away your mouth from my penis or Becky will shoot you dead. He's behind you."

"It's a frigging cock, Dr. Tao. Not penis. Please get the fuck off my panda's prick, you brat!"

"Damn you, Sehun! What are you doing with Tao?! Are you cheating on me?! Becky, keep your boyfriend's cock back into his pants before I cut it off!"

"Then, who's sitting on my lap now?! Krissss~"

"It's me. I'm tired and full so I need to sit. You seem to be a perfect armchair, Park Chanyeol."

"U-umin-ge, get off me! You're heavy as a tractor! I wonder how you walk with that bloated stomach everyday!"

"Hey! Don't talk to my boyfriend like that, bitch! You want me to throw a bitch fit in here? It won't be good for bitches though!"

"Ain't no bitch here! You think you're the only one with the bitch fit now, huh, dude?!"

"Never call me dude, Becky Bitch!"

"So, these two only respond to word bitch and dude. Sassy, isn't it, Junmyeon?"

"I love it here, Yixing. Love all the tension, tantrum and the bitch fit. I can live with this all day long!"

"Fellas, my Junmyeon love this drama! Keep on fighting! I'd like some popcorn now~"

"Here's some chips, hyung. Mom said just stand back and watch when people are fighting. Now I know the feeling. It's amazing!"

"Umin-hyung, you need some more bun? I'll get it for you." Everyone shut their mouths when Kyungsoo stepped on Tao's shoulder and got out from the opening on top of the elevator.

"You're going to leave us here?! Aren't you going to ask for help?" Kris asked at the boy who struggled to climb onto the elevator with his short legs.

"Nope. I'll come back with some food so watch Umin-hyung for me 'cause he tends to bite people when he's hungry. Bye, see ya later!" The boy in white chef attire left them in the pitch black elevator. Everyone except Xiumin and Tao was dumbstruck and sighed heavily.

"Is he stupid? Leaving us here with his rotten fart and man-eating machine here!"

"If mom's here, she'd get upset and scratch the wall with her sharp nails until it burns hole and she'll get out in no time. I'm no kidding."

"I have seen it, Dae. Don't mention it. You're creeping me out!"

"Please! Stop talking and squirming! This elevator is shaking..."

"Bitches, shut up and calm down! It will come down in no time if we keep our patient. Patience is a virtue, remember?"

"There's no time for philosophy, Aristotle! I wish your well kept patience can bring us down!"

"SHUT UP, ROACHES! KEEP TALKING OR I'LL BLOW THE BUILDING DOWN AND LEAVE YOU ALL DIE SPLAT! Understood, lovelies? If yes, stay still and let me push the...right button on this weird machine. This kind of technology is a bitch. I have to shut it down for a while so that I can work my heater. Sorry, my lovely tenants."

"You're saying you keep us here just to get your shitty heater working?! It had been broken a century ago! Buy a new one, stingy old man!" Kris yelled as he pulled out his middle finger and showed it to the camera.

"I didn't know Heenim was the landlord! Is he for real? Is he the reason why we have to pay so much for the rent, so he can shop for useless new designer's clothes and cat food?!" Chanyeol rolled his eyes and sat back on the floor with Xiumin biting his shoulder. He was hungry again after Kyungsoo left. Kyungsoo should never left so Xiumin can eat him up for acting like a shitbag.

"I don't spend your money on that. I need money to get Heebum back after I pawned him to a shady loanshark last year. Well, watch your ass, Yeollie 'cause we're going down!"

Everyone shouted and panicked when the elevator suddenly went down in such a harsh manner and all of them were holding against each other to keep them on the ground.

 

 

"Well, how's the ride down? Fun, isn't it? Here's some bun for all of you!" Xiumin and Tao was the first to leave the elevator to hug their godfather for the food. Kris held shaky Chanyeol into his arms and glared at Kim Heechul who was grinning creepily in the middle of the lobby. Everyone left for work with wholesome tiredness in their faces and picked up coffee on their way to work and school to keep their anger towards Heenim down because they have to calm the shit down or that fancy looking guy will raise the rent again for whatever nonsense reason he had under his sleeve.

"That's one hell of a ride to keep you all tame, bitches. Should I put a TV inside the elevator so I can show Junmyeon and Yixing their secret stash of homemade porn I found for next week's hell ride or maybe Krisyeol's DVD? They got some sexy pet kink videos...Hmm..." Heenim tapped his chin as he left the lobby with his cat and Becky who was on the phone far behind him.

"Tao-ah, get rid of our kinky porn stuff below the bed. Heenim's gonna find it! Warn Krisyeol, Xiuhan and Sekai too! But don't forget to put Chensoo's on Heenim's doorstep! That Satansoo deserves it!"

"Hey! Becky, hurry up! I don't have all day!"

"Shit! Bye, babe!"

 

"Why it has to be Monday? Can't he pick another day? I'm so dead...Kyuhyun-sunbaenim will kill me!" Chanyeol watched as his spouse put down the phone before he opened the car's door.

"'Cause we get to leave our house early so he can look for our weekend _fun stuff_ under the bed." He kissed Chanyeol on the lips as he walked away.

"Luckily I hid it inside Satansoo's stash..."

 

_Ouch! Wrong move!_

 

 

  
  



End file.
